Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain (2012)

I’m an introvert living in an extrovert’s world. At least, that’s how I feel. I think I’m what Susan Cain, the author of Quiet, refers to as a high-reactive person, meaning my amygdala is easily stimulated. Like most introverts, I like to avoid over stimulation. I may be high-reactive, but my sensitivity is not extreme. I don’t hide in bathrooms anymore, although as a child I did on more than one occasion to avoid being in a social situation. For the most part, I just need alone time and dislike talking in large groups. I’ve learned over the years to handle my introversion and my sensitivity, but I guess I was a sensitive child.

I remember being five or six and going to African Lion Safari. There was a playground in the form of an obstacle course. First, you went down a long slide into a pit of coloured balls. After wading through them, you climbed a ladder, walked through a short wooden structure and climbed down another ladder to the ground. Among all those kids, I was afraid. It was loud, there were people I didn’t know and although the slide had been fun, I wanted to get out. I climbed that first ladder, but the problem was that after that I had to climb down the second ladder. I couldn’t. I was afraid I would fall. I remember the kids who stared at me, and the ones who pushed past me on their way out so they could do it all over again. I tried and tried, putting one foot on the ladder, but never managing to get my whole body over the edge. Finally, my dad came in and lifted me off the platform.

Before I read Susan Cain’s Quiet, I would have described that experience as me simply being scared, the same way I would have described my inability to be confident giving a speech, or to talk to my classmates in middle school. I was the kid everyone called quiet and shy. Unfortunately, my classmates used harsher words, like “weird,” and “eww.” Once, someone even made a comparison between me and a monkey, saying I just stood around with my arms hanging limp and my mouth slightly ajar. I wish I could have told that boy that I kept my lips tightly sealed.

I could never jump straight into a pool, for fear I’d drown. For reasons I couldn’t understand, I could not play a game of volleyball, or give a violin solo or a speech without feeling acute distress. Often, as a child, my cheeks would get hot, my limbs would involuntarily shake, and I’d feel the tears start to prick at my eyes. I was okay, as long as the other kids left me alone. I had a couple friends and that was all I needed, but the social environment I was in, made me feel like there was something wrong with that.

I remember being in grade eight and trying to integrate myself with a group of girls. A very popular girl, who everyone in the pack looked up to, wore a beautiful necklace one day. I would set goals for myself, and that day I told myself I would tell her I liked her necklace. It sounds like a simple task, but with all the people crowded around her, I never could.  

I spent a few years trying to change myself before I found what Susan Cain and psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihayli refer to as flow. Mihaly wrote that, “flow is a state in which you feel totally engaged in an activity . . . you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy. Hours pass without your noticing.” When I was about fifteen or sixteen, I really began to get into my writing. It was like a validation for who I am. I regularly reach a state of flow these days, and it’s true I lose track of the hours and all anxiety disappears. Cain suggests that introverts have the ability to focus for long periods of time on a task, as it’s true. Apparently introverts are more persistent to finish a task than extroverts because of this increased ability to focus.

While extroverts thrive off the energy they get from being in large groups, introverts thrive off the energy they receive from within, from being alone. Without our alone time, we burn out. Cain describes in chapter nine, a man by the name of Professor Little who, in order to teach his classes behaved as an extrovert, but soon found himself burnt out and physically ill because he was stressing his nervous system by not getting the solitary alone time his body naturally craved.

I sometimes feel like Professor Little. I know I did during my first year of University. As a writer, I love to observe the people and the things that happen around me, but after days and days of very little alone time this year, I found myself stressed, anxious and feeling physically burnt out. I hardly had any time to write over the course of the year. My outlet was disabled.

 If I observe my behaviours, keeping Cain’s words from Quiet in mind, I find that they are actually in tune with what an over-stimulated introvert would do. I choose seats against walls, or near door, where I can be away from the center of attention. I have never liked too many eyes on me and I avoid small talk because I find it meaningless. Cain says introverts prefer deep conversations to small talk. It is true of me.

I also hate large crowds, like during orientation week, where they tried to get people revved up to scream and dance and cheer. I felt overwhelmed and often slipped away to be alone. While others cheered, I crossed my arms, not because I hated my University, but because I was out of my element and I felt no desire to show a public display I did not really feel. Cain says it is more difficult for introverts to fake excitement than it is for extroverts.

However, Cain suggests that introverts feel empathy and pain more acutely. Introverts are more likely to avoid violence and danger because those emotions fee stronger. To many introverts, life is a serious matter and work is what keeps us introvert going.  Introverts, she says, are more likely to work for the sake of work. I work for the sake of work.

Really, what reward is there for me in writing this piece? Certainly nobody will pay me for it. The novels I write, all unpublished, are not written out of a desire for fame and fortune, they are written because I need my flow. I desire that feeling of work for the sake of work, where all anxieties are pushed from my mind because I’m so focused on one single task.

I’m an introvert who has taught herself not to be so sensitive. Yes, I have a hard time connecting with others because I tend to live inside myself and small talk sometimes cues anxiety within me. Yes, I find it hard at times to look people in the eye as I talk with them. I am an introvert in every sense of the word, but lately, as I’ve learned to understand myself, I’ve learned to manage my need for time alone, and my fear of new things. I find if I fight the anxiety of entering a new situation, I can make it through on my own. That’s part of growing up. I don’t need my parents to help me down off the playground platform anymore. I’ve learned to climb those ladders on my own. I’ll never be at ease at a pep rally, or at a large dinner party, but that’s okay. I am who I am.

 I’m an introvert. I learn better independently and work better independently. To try to work or thrive within a large group is to inhibit myself. Cain’s book reinforces who I am, providing some justification for the way I behave. It’s not unnatural for me to want to run from a party after an hour or so; it’s the way I’ve been wired. Nature gave the base and nurture decided whether I’d develop into an over-sensitive adult afraid to put one foot in front of the other, or into what I am, a confident, introvert who has learned to cope with her environment.

Quiet is one of the best books I’ve read, ever. Cain literally describes me to myself. As I read I discovered things about myself. I no longer see my behaviour as something irrational. My introversion, despite what the public school system spent years telling me, is not something to be cured. My introversion is something to be embraced, and I have embraced it. I’m always going to find things that take me out of my comfort zone, but I can handle them without thinking I need to change who I am. It is my introverted personality that makes me such a devoted writer.

If you’re an introvert, or know an introvert, Quiet is the book to read. Interestingly enough, Cain says that about 1/3 of the population are introverts. Of course, many introverts have learned to behave as extroverts and there are different degrees of introverts and extroverts. Me, I’m an introvert to the core. Even on my best days, I can’t fake being an extrovert. I’ll just keep finding my flow and being the introvert I am.